Perfection by its very nature is unachievable because in the pursuit of it we uncover imperfections. Aristotle defined perfection as something that is complete, something that can’t be bettered, and something that has achieved its purpose. I differ with Aristotle as the thing is, every time we humans get there, the there changes. In my quest, as a child, to find the end of the rainbow it kept moving every time I got closer. I imagined when I got there everything would be perfect under its kaleidoscope of colors and I would reach the gold. The hidden truth is my mother told us at the end of the rainbow there was a pot of gold and following the rainbow got us to go outside and play. I never did reach the end of the rainbow because it doesn’t exist. Just like perfection does not exist and the milestone to achieve it keeps moving.
We can become a prisoner to the grips of perfection and get wrapped in our own thoughts of what it is. We beat ourselves up and others on the journey to be perfect and the disappointment that ensues as a result of unrealistic expectations we set up.
I am a recovering perfectionist and it served me well, until it didn’t. Earlier in my career, I wore my perfectionism as a badge of honor to showcase my achievements, diligence and detail oriented nature. I discovered later it was about my need to appear perfect to mask my own vulnerabilities and the fact I am capable of making mistakes and can’t carry the load for everyone. Several of my coaching clients were prisoners of perfectionism and in the process it cost them their well being, relationships, work performance, advancement opportunities and personal growth.
There is a way out. You can escape the grips of perfectionism and still thrive professionally and personally.
WHAT ARE THE COSTS OF PERFECTIONISM?
1. Well being
Celine Dion’s documentary brought to light how you can be held hostage by perfectionism even when struggling with stiff-person syndrome. While I admire her determination and sense of hope, I felt anxious observing her as it was a reminder of how in the pursuit of meeting high expectations we ignore the warning signs our bodies send out. I have coached physicians who never felt like they were giving enough and kept giving more until they lost the joy in their work and found themselves dreading it and burnt out.
2. Relationships
Fear of being judged or not meeting expectations can cause us to withdraw socially. A perfectionist can struggle to delegate tasks or expect such high standards they become highly critical and frustrated of others. They can hold projects hostage instead of leveraging the team’s strengths and allowing others the opportunity to provide help.
3. Work performance
Opportunities to advance or showcase talents are missed because of the need to be “ready” and be “perfect”. More time than necessary is spent getting it just right and the work is never finished. This is driven by fear of being judged, failure, or making mistakes. If we do experience failure we believe it is because we were not perfect enough. We get back on the perfection treadmill and set higher expectations for ourselves. This prevents us from seeking help, asking questions, experimenting, or exploring new ideas.
4. Personal growth
Perfectionism can hold you back from taking risks or opportunities out of fear of failure. This limits learning and leads to a sense of becoming a prisoner to the mindset of “I am not enough”.
Redefine and embrace perfectionism in a healthier way
While perfectionism can propel us to greatness it can spiral and hit rock bottom. It is important to recognize no one got to where they are without making mistakes or without asking for the help and the support of others. I encourage my clients to take a healthier approach and acknowledge imperfections as opportunities for growth.
HOW TO STOP PERFECTIONISM FROM HOLDING YOU BACK?
1. Embrace uncertainty
Perfectionists tend to think in black and white all or nothing, success or failure. The focus is on the end point as a measuring stick. Did I get the promotion? Did I get the job? This neglects to explore the areas outside of your control and consider the learnings and growth on the journey. Be in the arena. Have courage.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly . . .”
Theodore Roosevelt, “Citizenship in a Republic”
As Brene Brown stated in her book “Daring Greatly” we must walk in the arena of an important meeting, a job interview, a new role, a difficult conversation not knowing what may come at us and have courage to be open and curious, let go of expectations, and see it as an opportunity for growth.
2. Set small goals
On the way to achieve the bigger aspiration, set smaller goals or milestones along the way. This allows flexibility to achieve realistic goals and adjust when the goalposts change. It puts you back in the driver’s seat and helps you focus on what you have control over.
3. Self compassion
In my childhood, my sister had an accident and left her a paraplegic. As the second eldest I used perfection as a shield to protect myself. I had to be perfect, get the perfect grades and be the perfect sister, daughter, caregiver. I defined myself by my accomplishments and liked the praise that came with it. The thing is it held me back and deprived me of the joy of being a child. I remember reading a metaphor about “Windows of Wonder” and what it must feel like to look at life with that lens. These windows I shut to protect myself from the trauma I endured. I kept setting higher expectations for myself and by my standards it was never good enough. Perfection is unsustainable, the end point keeps moving and you miss the beauty and growth along the way. I have learned to give myself grace and accept my fallibility as being a human. The most beautiful moments in my life are in the moments of vulnerability and that is where the growth happens.
4. Relationships matter
Remember those you surround yourself with don’t be so hard on them. Your behavior matters and if you emulate behaviors that it is ok to make mistakes or tumble on the journey you pave the way for others to grow and learn.
5. Just do your best
Did you do your very best? That is what matters and what I ask myself, my clients, and my children. Sometimes our best may not be enough and it is ok, we need to adjust and figure out what we learned and refocus. Also, we need to recognize that sometimes the target changes, some things are not within our control and we need to adjust with it.
Life is an experiment. Things get messy and don’t go as planned. Get up again. Remember being human means we get hurt, things don’t go as planned, we have imperfections, and yet we grow into something beautiful. We become real.
“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit
