I grew up in a large Irish family. I was one of five children. Our way to resolve conflict was to vocalize your feelings, raise your voice, argue and color it with some humor if the mood fit. Later in life, I understood this was not the only way to resolve conflict. I had to develop skills to navigate conflict in new and different ways. I will share strategies that have proven effective on how to manage conflict, so it leads to growth, resolution and collaboration.
The traditions and patterns of how we were raised affect how we handle conflict.
Many of my clients fall into two patterns on how they manage conflict: they either avoid conflict or leap into it. Both methods serve to protect others, blur one’s needs, and ensure no change occurs and things stay as they are. Let’s explore the consequences of these approaches towards conflict.
If we avoid conflict, our pattern is to stay silent and hide our true feelings. We are unsure how we feel or think, driven by our fear of hurting others or making them uncomfortable. Our intent is to protect them and keep the peace.
The outcome of avoiding conflict is we mask our feelings, stunt our growth and repress our needs.
If we leap into conflict, we are prone to ineffectively vocalize what we think and feel without direction or clarity; we may even project blame or aggression. The consequence is we are not heard or taken seriously. Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone lashing out in a meeting? Those negative experiences and the ramifications are harder to forget. Our intent is to change others’ beliefs or behaviors.
The outcome of leaping into conflict is we believe there is no way out other than a battle.
We can get so wrapped up in our emotions we are blinded to other possibilities and strategies.
The outcome of these perpetual patterns of dealing with conflict by avoiding it or leaping into it are same, we are left feeling helpless and lack control.
Nothing changes.
There are possibilities to move beyond these patterns. This requires us to change our relationship with conflict, so it becomes an opportunity for growth, affects the change we are looking to make and moves us towards resolution and collaboration.
Ten tips to move from conflict to resolution and collaboration:
- 1
Get clear on your thoughts and feelings. What is the real issue for you and for others?
- 2
What is your role in this?
- 3
Communicate your wants and needs. Let the other person know what you really want without blaming or criticizing. Use the I statement, own your feelings i.e. I feel, I want…I fear. This makes the conversation less accusatory.
- 4
Listen with your heart. Stay out of judgement and listen for what the person feels, thinks and wants. Ask questions, paraphrase, and validate to truly understand what the person is saying.
- 5
Acknowledge the emotions of others and empathize. Understand what is beneath the emotions that surface. What are the fears, beliefs, history, intentions of the other?
- 6
Bring into awareness your responsibility – your ability to respond – to the situation in a new and different way. Examine how your behavior contributes to the pattern you are trying to change and what is it you have control over. We cannot change how others respond only how we respond.
- 7
Separate the person from the problem. The other person’s behavior rubs us in the wrong way, so we tell ourselves a story as to their motives to get ourselves off the hook and absolve us of the responsibility of solving the problem. Focus on facts. How you can respond with compassion to get the results you want for you, for others and for the relationship?
- 8
See conflict as an opportunity. Explore possible solutions and develop criteria to evaluate these. Agree on where interests align and if you get stuck there is an unmet need, work through it and brainstorm other possible solutions.
- 9
Ask for feedback. Ask how you can do better next time? Being aware of our limitations creates possibilities of learning how to overcome them.
- 10
Drop the rope. Let go of your conflicts and take the lessons you have learned into how you choose to behave in future conflicts.
Change is uncomfortable and it is human nature to maintain status quo in our environment. When we try to change our behavior there is resistance both within ourselves and among others, especially those closest to us who are invested in keeping things as they are. Keep practicing, get the support you need, and tailor your approach. Remember to ask yourself what it is you really want to move towards to get resolution and work things out.
If you want to learn more and are interested in coaching, please reach out and contact me.
